Euphemism.

P: ‘Bobble hat’ is the worst euphemism for vagina I’ve ever heard.

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Weird Arms.

P: How do my arms look these days?
Me: I would say that you have better arms than a celebrity. I bet you have better arms than Weird Al Yankovic.
P: I’m surprised he even has arms to be honest.

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Pet names.

Me: Why don’t you have any pet names for me?
P: I’m sorry, my little bitter lemon.

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Don’t tell her.

Me: Dammit! I’m such an idiot.
P: I didn’t want to say anything.

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Don’t be jealous.

Me: Once I put a picture of a woman smoking a cigar on a lighter.
P: Are you trying to tell me you’re one of those women who’s into appliqué?
Me: No. And besides, I didn’t use glue, I used sello tape.
P: Then you’re into crappliqué.
Me: I hate you.
P: Don’t be jealous of my abilities with portmanteau.

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Dear Heather.

E: What’s that chick’s name again?
Me: Heather.
E: That’s a whore’s name.

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Listen.

“Just because you’re intelligent and correct does not mean I am going to listen to you.”

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First impressions.

Her: What did you think of me when we first met?
Him: I thought you were sane.

Thanks for the submission, Alyx!
We love reader submissions! Send in some funny things your boyfriend says via the Submit page.

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