Dear Heather.
e: What's that chick's name again?
me: Heather.
e: That's a whore's name.
Fiddy.
me: Who the hell are you buying a Labatt 50 for?
e: Satan. I'm pouring one out for my homey.
Whimsy.
e: Let me put together this playlist before you put in the She-Ra theme song.
me: What makes you think I'm going to include the She-Ra theme song?
e: It is the curse of your whimsical gender.
Meat.
After I ate a Slim Jim:
"You smell like pig corn hole."
The element of.
"Is there any kind of buttsex other than SURPRISE buttsex?"
Dans le port d'Amsterdam.
"There's things I have to do in my life, but catching an STD in front of a live audience is not one of them."
Ice dancing.
me: So I was watching ice dancing on TV ...
e: I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!
E's financial planning.
"You shouldn't buy me things. Save your money for unicorn rides or whatever it is girls spend money on."
If flowers had fists.
e: My hands hurt from doing the dishes.
me: You're such a delicate flower.
e: How does it feel?
me: How does what feel?
e: Being punched in the face by a delicate flower?
The Throes of Passion.
E imitating the female orgasm:
"OH MOTHER JESUS YEAH IN MY VAGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Get some Windex for the glass ceiling.
"Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth."
Megalove.
While snuggling:
me: Who loves you?
e: Megatron.
Cold feet.
me: I think it's funny and cute that I get into bed and put my cold feet on you to warm them up and you frown but you don't say anything.
e: That's because I'm busy thinking loudly about hating you.
Birthday.
me: It's my birthday soon. You'd better get me something pretty.
e: I'll get ME something pretty, and you can play with it.
Love at first sight.
me: Know why I fell for you?
e: The huge penis?
me: No, I fell for you before I knew what your dick looked like.
e: No, it was the huge penis. When I took it out and started playing pool with it. It's the only party trick that always gets you laid.
Prelude to a spidering.
me: I'm going to throw that giant spider on you.
e: Don't. It'll all end in tears.
me: Whose?
e: Mine.
Baby, you're an original.
"Why are people always stealing my ideas? Like penis in vagina sex. MY IDEA."
You put the goat in goatee.
When I finally made him shave his damn beard:
"See, this is why I won't let you have nice things. Because you won't let me grow majestic facial hair."
On gift giving.
me: My birthday's coming up. You'd better get me something pretty.
e: I'll get ME something pretty. And you can play with it.
It ain't over.
While watching Luciano Pavarotti on television:
"Is he wearing a cape? Aah, the fat guy outfit par excellence."
Lock up the clean sheets.
On learning that we were out of toilet paper:
"How long until we start using the placemats and pillowcases and crawling along the carpet like dogs with worms?"
Midnight snack redux.
e: I want popcorn.
me: You could eat a can of chick peas.
e: Wow! I could also eat the carpet!
Happy Valentine's Day.
"I need romance! Like girlie mags! A fifth of rum! ROMANCE!"
Bunny rabbits.
e: I'd get a bunny if they weren't so stupid.
me: They're brilliant!
e: They chew extenstion cords!
me: So do you!
e: Yeah, but for me it's a religious obligation.
me: What religion is that?
e: I'm not allowed to tell outsiders.
me: How do you know I'm not a member?
e: Obviously, you'd be chewing extension cords.
The Rules.
"It's a rule of the world that naked girls have to do what men wearing clothes say."
A girlish figure is important.
"Baby, if I ever start gaining a ton of weight, lock me in the closet for two weeks with no food. No matter how much I beg for that ding dong."
Paging Carson Kressley.
While he was lying on the couch:
me: Can I call Queer Eye For The Straight Guy to give you a makeover?
e: What could they possibly change? I'm COMPLETELY FABULOUS.
Midnight snack.
me: I finished your ice cream.
e: That's okay. I ate your memory card.
A propos of nothing.
"There's some pretty deal-breaking snatch out there."
Low and lazy.
me: Your fly is open.
e: I'M ADVERTISING.
Je te deteste.
After sneaking up behind me and kissing me:
me: What was that for?
e: It's a French sign of loathing.
She's been asking for it.
While watching a commercial for pickup trucks:
"Buy this truck and PUNCH MOTHER NATURE IN THE FACE."
Population: You.
While E was playing Civilization 4 I decided to go to the store. He asked if I would bring him back something, I said no, and he said:
"And I was just going to name this city I conquered after you. I guess I'll have to call it Bitchburg."
Coors Light.
"If you gave me a car made of diamonds and blowjobs all day I still wouldn't drink that beer."
Taste test.
Responding to the television where a man is telling someone to "get right with God":
e: Ha, get right with my cock fucko.
me: Am i right with your cock?
e: We'll have to check.
me: Does it involve a litmus test?
e: It's more of a taste test.
Aphrodisiacs.
me: You need to watch this show. See how that guy's giving the chick candy?
e: SIGH. FINE. [grabs empty pretzel bag] Here's some pretzel salt. You lubed up yet? [laughs his ass off] I'm glad you love me, because no one else will.
Unhappy face.
after getting a hard stare from me due to some diatribe about how women are genetically pre-disposed to child rearing so of course men are bad at it:
"That's your unhappy face. I see that a lot."
On the casting for Elimidate.
"Are you stupid? Do you want to go on a date with the cunt patrol? Then we have the show for you!"
Christmas.
"I always get people gifts that I would want. Therefore, this year, you're getting a gun."
On his hair.
"Smells like dinosaurs!"
That poncho's not fooling anybody.
me: I'd kick Martha Stewart's ass at Scrabble.
e: She probably cheats.
Random.
me: What do you think famous dogs eat?
e: Smaller dogs.
Even more random.
e: I want a three pronged stick so I can do laundry three times as fast.
me: But you'll only be able to wash little squares of cloth.
e: You obviously don't understand math.
While seeing George Bush on TV.
"Look at this shitsucker. Or as they say in Mexico, chuprakaka."
On his first million.
me: So you're going to buy me a pony, right?
e: No, I'm going to buy ME a pony. Made of gold. With rockets.
me: And then with the rest you're going to buy me a pony, right?
e: I don't think there will be anything left after I get my gold rocket horse.
What's that buzzing.
me: I've got this buzzing in my head for the last two weeks and I don't know what it is.
e: must be the bomb i implanted in case you ever leave me.
The mall right before Christmas.
"I felt like snuffing the christmas cheer from their vacant little eyes."
On a television commercial for AshleyMadison.com.
"If I ever meet that man in the street I'm gonna make him eat his own wig."
But a delicate flower.
"I lost my virginity at thirty. And I had to pay for it."
- e, age 27
A visit to the dentist.
"I think I'll ask the dentist to install tusks in my face so I can fully embrace my orcish heritage."
Dr. E's prescription for cold relief.
"Bring me a big knife so i can cut off my head."
About crazy chicks.
"Yeah, crazy girls are the best in bed. They're also the most likely to bite off your weiner."
Robots and teddy bears.
e: You know, teddy bears and robots are mortal enemies.
me: Really. Since when.
e: It's been a few years now.
While watching America's Next Top Model.
"High drama at the whore factory!"
E imitates a hormonal, PMSing woman.
"HELP. ME. STAB. THE PUPPY."
On debt.
"About that money I owe you. Do you take sex?"
The nature of our relationship.
me: How did I end up with you?
e: You lost a bet.
When I first bought this domain name.
me: I just bought ThingsMyBoyfriendSays.com. Say something funny.
e: You can't. Rush. Genius.
The best things are said while lying in bed.
"Know what I love about you? No, love's the wrong word. Know what I HATE about you?"
Explaining what my problem is.
"A small part of you is made of RETARD."
Fortunately.
"Fortunately, as the man, I get to make the decisions."
Intelligent design.
"They should teach E design. Unintelligent design. Where I pay some drunk guy to design the universe. It'll explain flightless birds."
Biguns.
me: I think my boobs are getting bigger. It must be all those bovine hormones you've been stirring into my food.
e: Yes. I got them off the internet. From biguns.com.
That's not dressing.
me: I had my bra frozen last night.
e: Is that like salad tossing?
Wish.
e: Are there any cans of coke left?
me: No, I drank the last one but maybe the store's still open ... *looks at clock* No, BUT IT'S 11:11! MAKE A WISH!
e: i wish for a can of coke.
Vegan bread.
me: So you're all right with vegan bread?
e: I wasn't aware that there were any animals in bread, unless grain has become a form of life that must suddenly be preserved.
me: I'm going to make you a meal that's nothing but vegan bread, yellow mustard and flat Coke.
e: Why don't you just cut off my thumbs and call it a complete evening.
While watching a dog doing the running man on TV.
e: If my dog ever did that, I'd shoot it.
me: what, the running man?
e: yes.
me: *does running man*
e: where's my gun.
Prelude to an asskicking.
e: Come here Mustard.
me: Why are you calling me mustard?
e: You said last night that I could.
me: No I didn't.
e: Yes you did. Think back, Mustard.
Vegan condoms.
"What the fuck is a vegan condom, a hollowed out carrot? And why don't you just cut your dick off, is that vegan too? It's meat, so you shouldn't want it."
Social expansion.
"I don't even KNOW fourteen people! And that's counting my parents and your parents, and I haven't had sex with any of those."
A matter of survival.
me: And if I ever leave you?
e: I'll starve.
A private butt.
me: Peter grabbed my ass in the club last night and I yelled "THIS IS A PRIVATE BUTT."
e: He's lucky he's gay or I'd break his fingers. And you can't break a gay man's fingers. Because then how would he sew.
Impersonating Dr. Phil.
"Down south we have a saying: you can't turn a lobster into a shrimp."
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